I haven't written any entries in this blog in for-eh-ver because I didn't really feel that I had anything important to write about. Today, however, my 7 year old daughter handed me a letter from her purple backpack before she headed off to school this morning. It was perfectly written (with a few spelling errors- like I said, she is 7) and it broke my heart. I recently gave birth to my third child, another boy, and things around here have been more than a little hectic. Between just having three children to take care of, keeping the house clean, cooking all the meals, and sleeping, I don't have time to do anything anymore. Added to all of that, both the boys have been sick recently and I am just getting over an ear infection. The antibiotics I had to take to clear it up caused my newborn to get thrush, screwing up our already crazy breastfeeding schedule, and now my other son is receiving nebulizer treatments of albuterol every four hours on top of his antibiotics and steroids that he has to take to clear up HIS ear and respiratory infections. It's safe to say that the visions I had for spring are being crushed violently right now. I'm just so fucking tired. I've also been shirking my mothering duties regarding my eldest, my daughter. I knew that she was getting less attention, I just hoped that she could understand that it wouldn't be like this forever. Then I remembered: she IS only 7 years old, a first-grader who gets perfect grades and loves school but has the same attitude I had as a child, which is basically "Don't fucking tell me what to do, I'll do it if it's my idea ONLY!". I must say that I've definitely had to get creative with reverse psychology with this one. It's a good thing I was exactly like her when I was her age or she'd walk all over me! She is such a huge help with both of her brothers, she feeds the youngest a bottle so I can cook or clean, she occupies our almost-two-year old while I.... well, cook or clean... Anyway, the point is that most of the time she acts well beyond her years. And I'm writing this blog entry to remind myself and any other moms who have an older child and babies as well that the older child still needs as much attention as they used to receive from you. Here is a copy of the letter she wrote me:
Dear mom,
I realy want more atention from you. I never get to sit on your lap and I never get to lay with you. I feel sad becouse mercury and ares always get the atention and im the one that never gets the atention. I just want more atention.
Love London.
Okay. Let's get real here. I cried my eyes out when I read this letter from her. I feel terrible that she feels this way and I feel terrible that she had to write me a letter for me to realize that the poor girl was getting lost in the shuffle of our new lives. Of course I am going to do whatever possible to make sure she stops feeling this way. I'll get a sitter for the boys when they are feeling a bit better and we'll do something. I don't have the extra money to take her to a movie or do anything that is ridiculously overpriced (like the movies- UGH) but I know that isn't what she is wanting anyway. She only needs my time and attention for more than a minute at a time. I'm actually not even sure what the point of writing this entry was other than to vent my insecurities about being less of a mother than I know I can be. I'm not downing myself. I know I'm a great mother. My kids always come before me, always. If I have money, I buy the kids clothes because they are forever growing out of (or pooping through) whatever they have. Everything I have is theirs, everything I do is for my family. I think I have been stretching myself too thin lately, and I'm not the only one who is suffering because of it. Have any other moms gone through this? Because it's new to me and I'm not sure how to juggle everything anymore. Any suggestions on low-cost activities for a first grader and her Mommy? Or advice on how to talk to her about our situation and how it's hopefully temporary? Post in the comments below, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
