First, I want to start this blog off by saying that I love my kids very much. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and I really do sit around sometimes just being thankful that I have such awesome offspring. I know I'm lucky. I stop myself from writing blog entries that shine my kids in a negative light because I don't want people to think I don't like my children. But as I was reading this blog the other day by another mom, I realized how refreshing it was to hear from another mom the truth. She said her daughter had the attention span of a gnat and if she would have known how troublesome that little one was going to be, she would have stopped having kids after her! And I was laughing reading it because I have thoughts about my kids that I sometimes feel guilty for. Not about hurting them, though I do sometimes imagine myself smacking my daughter in the face. You know what? The truth is, with the way she talks to me sometimes, I'm surprised that all I do is think about doing it. I'm fucking proud of myself most days for holding it together so well.
My house is never clean. NEVER. I get through one room or task and the children have managed to destroy the entire rest of the house in a way that would discourage even the most optimistic woman. My goodness, when I imagined my adult life as a child and teen, it was not filled with this much cleaning. I've always been a slob, one to ignore the mess until it is so great that it's unmanageable with just one person doing it. I actually still do that sometimes, when I get really unmotivated. The dishes pile up and the laundry piles up and even if I get the laundry going I still have to hang up, fold, and put it all away. It's like chores birth other chores. I clean a lot more than I did when I didn't have a family to think about, so there's that at least. I can't have them living in filth so I clean and clean and clean. I'm a person who needs to be doing something different every day in order to not go absolutely batshit crazy. The kids keep me on my toes, it is a different adventure every day with them. But the tedious housework will be the death of me, I swear. Someday, when I am a wise old woman and have a system of cleaning figured out that actually works, I'll look back and laugh at myself for complaining about something as piddly as housework.
On to my daughter. She wants to be good, she gets good grades at school and tries to keep her behavior under control at school. She has been moving her behavior "pin" up at school above and beyond what is expected of her on a daily basis. So it pains me when she is so absolutely stubborn and indecisive and rude at home. It seems like most of her day is spent looking at what everyone else has and comparing it to what she has. Or doesn't have. Life is never "fair" to her. She threw a fit about wearing a jacket yesterday when we were walking up to the dollar store for a few things. I could have taken this time to grab my headphones, leave both kids at home with Dad, and have some time to myself for once. Maybe be able to go in the store and not have to be asked for every single thing in said store. But no. I knew they were itching to get out of the house too, so we all got ready and when I opened the door, it was very chilly outside. So we're walking and she keeps audibly grumbling about having to wear a jacket in her whiniest, most fucking cheese-grater-against-my-brain voice that her 7 year old ass can muster, and I'm thinking, "I am not sacrificing what could be alone time with the new ADTR album to hear this the whole fucking walk." I warned her that if she didn't suck it up and stop the whining that I was going to walk her back home and she would have to stay there while her one year old brother and I went. I said this a total of three times, giving her plenty of chances to turn it around. But noooo. So I walk her back and she's screaming her fucking head off outside, which is ridiculously embarrassing, and I tell Dad that I warned her and she can't go. So we go without her.
Why? Why does she feel the need to sabotage herself all the time? I don't understand why kids can't just shut the fuck up and deal with the hand they're given. I try to remember when I was her age, I do. And I was a smart ass to my mom on a constant basis. I wasn't trying to make her mad, I was just asserting the fact that I was a person too and she could ground me or whatever she wanted to do, but she'd never break my independent spirit. I was that kid who would NOT STOP while I was ahead. "Say another word and you're grounded!" was a regular threat in our house from my mom. But I just couldn't do it. I would end up being grounded for the rest of the year because I couldn't just shut my stupid mouth. So I do understand where she is coming from, she is exactly the child I used to be. So if the way my mom dealt with it didn't really work in my situation (because I kept doing it and being a smart ass over and over) what do you do? How do I get her to stop sabotaging herself, to stop making the mistakes I made?
On the phone the other day my mom was lamenting about how she used to punish me and how she feels bad about it now. "I was just so crazy back then," she said. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that being a single mom to three kids all aged one year apart was super easy. No one should act crazy when they are overwhelmed by life, right? I can not tell her enough times to please not apologize to me for things like that and that I know exactly how she felt at that point in her life because I'm at that same point in mine. I can completely understand where my poor mom was coming from. I feel so bad for the younger version of my mother. That poor woman; we fucking tormented her! My little brother was constantly in trouble, he and I lit the house on fire one time, spilled an entire gallon bucket of white paint on the carpet, you name it, we did it. I commend my mom for not beating the shit out of our spoiled, shitty little asses. "You guys were just kids," she says. I was there. I remember. I was a little shit. Chopped all my hair off at age three, stole a hundred bucks from my mom and brought it to second grade with me. Yep, theft in second fucking grade. I was kicked out of D.A.R.E. in fifth grade for smoking cigarettes on campus and then suspended in seventh grade for having a pipe in my pocket during P.E.. If my daughter puts me through half the shit I put my mom through, I don't know how I'll deal with it. Probably cry and call my mom. She'll laugh at me for a second in well-earned glee over the fact that I'm being repaid for what I did as a kid, (I will, too!) but she is always on my side. Always. She tells me like it is and doesn't always agree with my personal opinions, but she'll always stand behind me.
When it comes down to it, I stand behind my daughter in the same way. It was only me and her for awhile, and it bothers me when people pick her apart. Yes, she whines, yes, she can be very irritating sometimes. On purpose, just overtly trying to annoy us. She laughs and thinks it's funny and never seems to be able to see when she may be wrong in a situation. I bought her little brother a balloon at the store when we walked there. He was really good the whole way there and inside the store as well. If she had been there with us and had been good, I would have done the same for her. I thought that maybe I should grab her a little something as well, but then I realized I would just be rewarding her bad behavior. So I didn't get her anything and spent the entire walk home feeling guilty. Why? I don't fucking know, I wasn't the one who got themselves in trouble.
So we get home, and she asks me, "Did you get me anything?" in a very small voice, and I felt fucking terrible. But I figured it would be a good opportunity to show her why she didn't get anything that time. I explained to her that the only reason her brother got anything is because he was good. I told her I couldn't get her something at the store if she couldn't even change her attitude in order to be able to go with us. But all I've heard for the past two days is how he has a balloon and she doesn't. How it isn't "fair" that he should have a balloon and she not have one to play with as well. I seriously just want to scream at these points in my life. I just fucking explained to you the reason why. Your dad explained to you why you weren't able to go with us, but you continued to scream and throw a fit and not at least try to understand why you were being punished. I seriously can't deal with it sometimes. It's like all the good things she does do get overshadowed by silly little things like this. She is so awesome most of the time! She's absolutely hilarious (I'm going to go ahead and say she gets that from me!), she plays well with her brother, she buys him stuff at the store even though she doesn't have to share her money, she helps me around the house all the time. She does dishes, she picks up the other rooms, puts her toys away, folds and puts away her clothes. Am I being too harsh with her? It's hard for anyone to give you advice when they aren't in your exact situation, but am I the only mom who feels this way?
I feel like as mothers we are discouraged from talking about the things that bother us about our children. They are, after all, just kids. But the way you deal with these matters when they are still young has a huge effect on them when they are adults. If I can still remember what it was like when I was a kid, she will be able to remember all of this as well. I just want to do this correctly, you know? It's the most important job I've ever had or ever will have. I'm raising humans. This isn't a dog or cat, I can't just be like, "Oh well, I fucked up on that one." She will eventually be an adult and you people will have to deal with her. So I want to do the world a favor, do her a favor, and try and do the best job of raising her as I possibly can. But I can't just spend all my time painting my life in a bright light all the time. I am very positive, but I'm also a realist. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that your kid is an asshole sometimes. Just don't ever say it in front of them and always try and act out of love, whether that be in comforting or in punishing them. I punish my kid because I want her to turn out to be a decent human being, not because I want to or enjoy it. When I've ever been brought to the extreme of spanking her, I feel sick to my stomach. I go downstairs and cry sometimes afterwards. If even I feel that way after doing it, then there has to be a better way. Something needs to change. Seriously, any advice would be appreciated.
You may be wondering why I haven't written anything negative about my son. He is only one, after all, but I can see his naughtiness showing through every day and it scares me. He steps on his sister's toes, pinches her, pinches me on my face, hard, slaps us, bites us.... He also gets into his moods where he doesn't want to be good, where it seems like everything he does is meant to harm you or someone else. We, of course, tell him it isn't okay and reprimand him. He can also be very sweet, hugging you and kissing you over and over until your heart melts in a puddle at the bottom of your yoga pants. Basically, right now I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm not sure if the way I do things is the right way. I just don't know anymore, and I'm really hoping that I'll get smarter and better as I go. Practice makes perfect, right? Soon there will be three of these little terrors running around and I'll be grossly outnumbered. I need to get my shit together and figure this out!
