Mind Your Manners?

This feels like a really stupid thing to write about, but it's just a product of the wild adventures my mom-brain goes on every second of the day. Bear with me here. You only have to read about a portion of it all, I have to live in this mind!! All joking aside, something has really been bothering me lately. I have an almost 2 year old son and he is such a little angel most of the time. Curly blond hair, shiny hazel eyes, outgoing personality. All of this comes with a little streak of defiance that his father and I have been seeing more of lately. I know that he is coming up on those "terrible twos" we all love, and we are definitely trying to teach him to be nice, to not pull his sister's hair or step on her (he's pretty ruthless to her, I must say), to not hit at all, to use his manners when he wants or receives something.... And this is where I am hitting a little wall. He doesn't want to say "please" when I ask him to. He'll say "Ba-ba" and "Mo" ("Drink" & "More") but when I say, "Can you say please, please?" he replies with a firm shake of the head and says "Mo" (which also means "no"). I tried to ignore it at first because I didn't want to push him too hard and make him resent saying it. I want him to say it because he wants to be a good little boy and because he genuinely appreciates anything he receives, whether that be a drink from me or a gift from a friend at his birthday party 5 years down the road. He kept refusing to say it, however, and while I respect his independence and individuality, I also don't want him to grow up to be a shitty person because I didn't instill in him good values. That includes teaching him manners. I started refusing to get him more milk this morning when he said "no" to saying "please". I said, "Well, I'm not going to get you more milk until you say please." And I turned away from him while he whined a little bit and kept eating my scrambled eggs (there was a freaking shell in my eggs, too, which I subsequently crunched into during this little escapade.... yum) and he got my attention, looking at me with a very defeated look and mumbled, "Pees?". I rubbed his shoulder and said, "That's a good little boy" (somewhere along the line I started talking to my kids like I'm June Cleaver?? Don't ask me why.) I got up and refilled his milk sippy cup and gave it to him. I said, "Thank you for using your manners" with a smile and he still seemed a little subdued. It's been bothering me ever since it happened and I'm wondering if I am crushing his independent spirit a little each time I make him submit to me. Because that's what I feel like I'm doing when it comes down to the bottom line. I'm saying, "I'm not going to do this for you until you say what I'm forcing you to say." How shitty is that? I know it's my job to teach him these things so that he can function as an adult in society, but all we ever talk about is how fucked up society really is. The media, the government, as an adult I've grown to distrust both. And your whole life you are taught to submit. To your parents, to your partner, to your boss.... Is the way I'm raising my kids just me falling into line, the way they want me to? Am I just preparing my kids for a life of submission as well? You can say that we should teach our kids these things, but how will that ever help change such a fucked-up society? Shouldn't we be teaching our children to think for themselves? To challenge authority because authority usually doesn't have their best interests at heart anyway? Like I said, maybe I'm totally over-thinking this but the look on his little face. You weren't there to see it, but I don't want to have to be the one to extinguish my fiery child's amazing spirit and uniqueness. Yes, I am still going to request that he use his manners, I am going to continue asking him to say "please" and "thank you", but I don't think I'll be forcing him to say them. It just feels wrong.

Mothering Fail #552: Getting Lost in the Shuffle

I haven't written any entries in this blog in for-eh-ver because I didn't really feel that I had anything important to write about. Today, however, my 7 year old daughter handed me a letter from her purple backpack before she headed off to school this morning. It was perfectly written (with a few spelling errors- like I said, she is 7) and it broke my heart. I recently gave birth to my third child, another boy, and things around here have been more than a little hectic. Between just having three children to take care of, keeping the house clean, cooking all the meals, and sleeping, I don't have time to do anything anymore. Added to all of that, both the boys have been sick recently and I am just getting over an ear infection. The antibiotics I had to take to clear it up caused my newborn to get thrush, screwing up our already crazy breastfeeding schedule, and now my other son is receiving nebulizer treatments of albuterol every four hours on top of his antibiotics and steroids that he has to take to clear up HIS ear and respiratory infections. It's safe to say that the visions I had for spring are being crushed violently right now. I'm just so fucking tired. I've also been shirking my mothering duties regarding my eldest, my daughter. I knew that she was getting less attention, I just hoped that she could understand that it wouldn't be like this forever. Then I remembered: she IS only 7 years old, a first-grader who gets perfect grades and loves school but has the same attitude I had as a child, which is basically "Don't fucking tell me what to do, I'll do it if it's my idea ONLY!". I must say that I've definitely had to get creative with reverse psychology with this one. It's a good thing I was exactly like her when I was her age or she'd walk all over me! She is such a huge help with both of her brothers, she feeds the youngest a bottle so I can cook or clean, she occupies our almost-two-year old while I.... well, cook or clean... Anyway, the point is that most of the time she acts well beyond her years. And I'm writing this blog entry to remind myself and any other moms who have an older child and babies as well that the older child still needs as much attention as they used to receive from you. Here is a copy of the letter she wrote me:

Dear mom,

I realy want more atention from you. I never get to sit on your lap and I never get to lay with you. I feel sad becouse mercury and ares always get the atention and im the one that never gets the atention. I just want more atention.

Love London.

Okay. Let's get real here. I cried my eyes out when I read this letter from her. I feel terrible that she feels this way and I feel terrible that she had to write me a letter for me to realize that the poor girl was getting lost in the shuffle of our new lives. Of course I am going to do whatever possible to make sure she stops feeling this way. I'll get a sitter for the boys when they are feeling a bit better and we'll do something. I don't have the extra money to take her to a movie or do anything that is ridiculously overpriced (like the movies- UGH) but I know that isn't what she is wanting anyway. She only needs my time and attention for more than a minute at a time. I'm actually not even sure what the point of writing this entry was other than to vent my insecurities about being less of a mother than I know I can be. I'm not downing myself. I know I'm a great mother. My kids always come before me, always. If I have money, I buy the kids clothes because they are forever growing out of (or pooping through) whatever they have. Everything I have is theirs, everything I do is for my family. I think I have been stretching myself too thin lately, and I'm not the only one who is suffering because of it. Have any other moms gone through this? Because it's new to me and I'm not sure how to juggle everything anymore. Any suggestions on low-cost activities for a first grader and her Mommy? Or advice on how to talk to her about our situation and how it's hopefully temporary? Post in the comments below, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!